I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
