How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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