Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
