if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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