Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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