dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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