Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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