My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
