Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
