One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.