i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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