God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dating After Heartbreak
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table