You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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