the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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