he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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