that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
