New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
