um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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