i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
