I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
