i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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