They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
