I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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