I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
