When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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