I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
