New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
