At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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