End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
