I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
