??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
im holly from the hills drunk
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
