A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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