I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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