Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize