I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
