why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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