wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
