im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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