DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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