I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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