rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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