I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
His hands were made for my vagina.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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