What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize