Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
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