What did we do last night that was yellow?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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