I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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