wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
