Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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