There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
