Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
