Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
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just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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