i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
