your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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