i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
