I will die if light touches me.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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