I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
