I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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