If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
