Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
