You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
